TMI

This week has been stressful. Not because of the end of the semester - finishing the film on Tuesday, screening it last night, having my committee review meeting next Monday morning - that's all to be expected at the end of the first year of school. It's the health thing (giant fibroids that I've been referring to as my basketball, if there's anyone not up to date). But even that wasn't stressful in the way that I think other people might have been stressed. There was no need to think it might be cancer so I wasn't worried about the diagnosis. It was just that until I got my official diagnosis I couldn't really make any other plans. Earlier in the semester I had gotten myself all worked up about squeezing every ounce of experience I could out of my time here and I put all sorts of irons in the fire to try to get meaningful work for the summer. Now suddenly I can't work all summer and don't know what part of the summer I might be able to work. I hate not knowing and not being able to plan. Being a pathologically organized person that little cloud of chaos in my life was making me crazy all week.

Today I met with the GYN who is also a surgeon. He looked at the ultrasound and confirmed giant fibroids that have to come out. He also looked at the MRI and said, oh look a cyst on your spleen. Spleen's not my area, you'll want to talk to someone about that. Though later he said he'd talk to one of his general surgery colleagues to get an opinion. In the meantime I've talked to my GP who is having the referral specialist set me up with an appointment with a hematologist. Now, because I've surgery coming up, they won't dawdle on getting that arranged. So that's everything that I know about the MRI. Dr. T (the GP, who I think is actually an NP/PhD but whatever) said she was concerned because my spleen is large. I said that's not necessarily new. Back in 1994 I had mono and they said my spleen was enlarged then. I've no idea if this would be again or still as no one has ever needed to check in between, but there is that if it's relevant. She said it was relevant and makes her feel better about it.

Anyway, back to Dr. R the GYN. We talked for a while. He patiently answered all of my questions clearly, but without being condescending or trying to rush me along. So I like him for that. And he seems knowledgeable and experienced. And I looked him up online and he's got good reviews. We determined that I should get a hysterectomy. The other choice is to just remove the fibroids and then repair the damage to the uterus that removing them would cause. You would have to pick the second choice if you ever wanted a baby. I've never wanted to be pregnant. I've always thought if I had children I'd adopt, always, I have never thought otherwise. I can't count the number of people besides my mother who have said I'd change my mind when I met Mr. Right. I never met Mr. Right so I can't prove them wrong, but I am still convinced they're wrong. And I kind of resent people thinking they know better than I what would be right for me in that situation. But even if I had at one point in my life thought I might like to have a baby, I'm currently 43 and single, and not interested in dating while I'm in grad school. So really the steps between me and a baby are such that I'd be too old for a safe and healthy pregnancy by the time I was ready for it anyway. The hysterectomy is a simpler procedure and therefore less prone to complications. Also it guarantees I won't get more fibroids which is a distinct possibility if the uterus stays in. Seems like an obvious choice to me.

But then he said, think about it anyway, some people find it traumatic to lose an entire organ, especially a reproductive organ. We also discussed a vertical cut vs. a bikini cut. To have the possibility of a bikini cut I would have to have another MRI to determine where the fibroids are attached. One place and a vertical cut is required, the other place and either cut is ok. I asked if there was an advantage to one cut over the other and he said only cosmetically. I said, well then lets skip the MRI and go with the vertical. And again he said ok, but you've got time to change your mind, so think about it. You'll have to see that scar every time you look in the mirror. My knee jerk reaction is I never look at myself in the mirror anyway, and if any potential partner is put off by which direction my scar runs then I didn't want him as a partner anyway.

Both of his "think about it" comments though have got me thinking about other things entirely. A lot of people have body issues. Not just in the anorexic teenager way either. While I was waiting for Dr. R there was a TV playing some daytime talk show sort of thing. There were a male and a female host and a middle aged woman in a nice suit of a bright color. The man had his hands on the woman's shoulders to sort of point her out toward the audience and he said something like, "See ladies, if you take a little care you too can look this good." And I thought, OMG make it stop. Women do not have a responsibility to look good to the male gaze. Or anyone's gaze. This societal attitude is exactly what leads to people worrying about what direction their scar runs, and feeling incomplete without this organ that frankly I wasn't using and was doing nothing but causing me problems. I don't care about either of these things and I think in our society I'm the odd one out for that. But I also think that I'm the one who is right and society needs to change. STOP MAKING WOMEN FEEL BAD ABOUT BEING ANYTHING OTHER THAN PHYSICALLY PERFECT.

Ok, end rant. The good news is we're trying to schedule the surgery for this month which means I'll be able to work in July and August. And now that I know that I can start making plans. So I feel much much better today than I did yesterday.